Kanye West was pronounced dead several weeks ago after eating shellfish, but Kanye West is alive!
By: Chet Dungweeder
WCNN - Reporter
September 29, 2014
WCNN - Reporter
September 29, 2014
MIAMI - Kim Kardashian caught the world by surprise today after releasing the following Tweet:
The world was in shock within minutes, and by the 6th hour after the announcement 263 people had shared their excitement around the globe.
Kanye was too weak to give a statement, but his publicist offered a brief release to the press, and Kanye released a quick photo along with the statement:
Kanye was too weak to give a statement, but his publicist offered a brief release to the press, and Kanye released a quick photo along with the statement:
Dear Press and Fans Alike,
We are thrilled to have Kanye back! It has been an emotional few weeks on everyone close to him, but Kim has agreed not to marry Damon Thomas and remain married to Kanye, and Kanye's concert tour will no longer be canceled as a result of his death.
We have brought Kanye to a specialist* who confirmed he was not a zombie or possessed by any demons. This is actually Kanye West as we knew him. Doctors are still running tests, but early reports lean towards Kanye's incredibly low IQ to answer how he survived in a coffin for over 14 days and how doctors originally thought he was dead.
Apparently he is so dumb that his mind was able to hibernate after he lost oxygen flow and experienced blunt force trauma after falling down stairs during his shellfish episode. Much like a new computer - with nothing on it - his brain was able to shut down and start back up with little effort since there was no data to be processed.
(Kanye's photo released with the press statement)
Kanye has already started to write a new song depicting his time dead. We don't have a release date yet, but he is titling the new track "Unbound 3" as a play on his recent hit "Bound 2". He did want us to share one lyrical verse with the world:
I ate some fish, and I be droppin dead
I ran around and fell on my furry head
Tell my mom not to dread
BAM!
BAM!
I met an angel and he said his name was hell
We had sex and he told me not to tell
Jesus wept
I never slept
BAM!
BAM!
The world is certainly back in order now that Kanye is alive and well. We asked via email if Kanye had any plans to eat shellfish again. His camp said that he would try and stay away from shellfish, but that he is an addict. "He has agreed to donate over $1,000, 000.00 ($1M) to a charity founded in his name called "Shellfish Without Boarders" - he hopes to bring his story to the world and prevent others from making the same mistakes he did.
The owners of www.iskanyewestdeadyet.com had to reluctantly change the status from "YES! FINALLY!" back to "No." today.
The owners of www.iskanyewestdeadyet.com had to reluctantly change the status from "YES! FINALLY!" back to "No." today.
Misha Collins *Our sources located a leaked document that the specialist was none other than Misha Collins of Supernatural. They soon realized that Misha was simply an actor and that he wasn't actually an angel, nor did he have any powers or ways to determine if Kanye was in fact real or a zombie.
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