By: Chet Dungweeder
WCNN - Reporter

September 8, 2014

SEATTLE - In a bizarre twist, the city, county, and state governments have lifted all bans of use of Puget Sound and Pacific Ocean waters in and around the state.  Not only that, they have completely denied ever saying there was a Giant Sea Leech problem to begin with.

Summary of first story, first published on August 26th, 2014:

 - "NOAA has issued a warning to all sea-goers to stay away and out of the water due to a substantial explosion in the, once rare, Giant Sea Leech populations."


- "The Giant Sea Leech was once an endangered, feared extinct, creature that crawled along the murky floors of the Puget Sound, and Northern Pacific."


- "NOAA has not yet confirmed any deaths or injuries as a result of Giant Sea Leaches, but there are several mysterious disappearances that are being tentatively pinned on the Giant Sea Leech."


- Grey's Harbor County, Island County, Clallam County, Kitsap, Mason, and Pacific Counties have all issued a "Closed Water Act" banning the use of marinas and boats, as well as the launching, living, or maintenance of boats, with an added addendum that no one can swim, fish, or use trails/parks near seawater.


UPDATE:


New details have now surfaced behind this apparently false Giant Sea Leech "epidemic", and the information is disturbing.  According to credible sources within NOAA, local governments, and PeTA have confirmed that the reason for the water closures was because of PeTA dumping corpses into the ocean.

PeTA, one of the largest and well known animal protection groups, is now facing public outrage over leaked documents listing that the group falsified documents that prompted local and county governments to close water - this left unobstructed access to the water to dump euthanize animals.

PeTA has been a long standing leader in the animal death business and it is not unusual to have PeTA associated with animal cruelty charges.  Tired of local pressure PeTA engaged in a year-long scheme to clear the waters in the hope that the current would take away the sad truth of what PeTA actually does.

PeTA is being indited on several levels assuring the public that a long line of criminal lawsuits are on their way for the organization. 

 

By: Chet Dungweeder
WCNN - Reporter

September 2, 2014

WASHINGTON D.C. - A newly formed coalition of Christian churches have banned together to form a new organization simply called "The Church" aimed at changing policy and taking on the American government.        

"The Church" is made up of every Christian denomination, and even some fringe-Christian churches.  Everything from Adventist to Baptist to Catholic comprise "The Church", and surprisingly, there are even representatives from the church of Later Day Saints (LDS/Mormon) as well as the Lutherans.

"This is the new Conquest, the new holy path God has chosen for us" says  Ed Young, head pastor of Second Baptist Church (Houston, TX) and Spokesman for "The Church".  "We felt compelled to do something that we felt was right, in our minds, our souls, and in our quest for God" Joel Osteen of Lakewood Church (Houston, TX) and lead founder of "The Church" added in our interview.

"The Church" was founded by the largest mega-churches in the country along side hundreds of smaller churches and church organizations around the country.  Resources, including the head pastors, have streamed in from mega-churches including Lakewood Church, Second Baptist Church, North Point Church, Willow Creek Church, and McClean Bible Church.  

"Counting just our mega-church members, there are over 125,000 voting constituents we intend to use to threaten sitting congressmen into passing laws that benefit us" Says Pastor Andy Stanley of North Point Community Church.  He also adds "[If]..you count all of our other chartered churches, we have in excess a half-million people!  We anticipate swift and decisive legislation that give us far more penetration into the hearts and minds of the American children and their families."

So what is "The Church" about?  Here is a statement "The Church" released to international media Tuesday September 2nd:

The Church' is comprised of a segment of the population sick and tired of non-believers being able to live free-lives in America, a country we all know we founded in Christian ideals.  We want to see non-Christians forced to make a decision to choose a righteous path or be forced to be deported or confined in work-camps aimed at helping spread the Christian word to every corner of the world.  We firmly believe that Christ, our Lord and Savior, IS coming back, and we don't want to be a part of a country controlled by sin.  The Church is committed to seeing this holy mission through to completion, and we intend on converting or deporting every non-Christian.


The Church is prepared to face any opposition on any front.  We already expecting Muslims to attack with everything they have.  We have strategically placed our headquarters in a heavily populated mass of homeless and homeless shelters.  When the bombs go off, we not only have the ability to curse the Muslims as 'Homeless Killers' and it will also increase profits 10% by releasing our annoying obligation to feed the poor.


Too many people in the world are seeing that the bible is full of nonsense, and too many are leaving the constraints of fear and death imposed by our ancestors.  This is not good for the church and this is not good for our Nation, more importantly, the world.  Our tyrannical government has allowed for the teachings and freedoms that promote free thought and self-reliance - a Christian's Kryptonite.

Washington D.C. seems to be on high alert as senators and statesmen scramble to secure their place furthest back in line from the chopping block.  President Obama has declared a state of emergency and is asking for help from Germany.  Germany sent the following to the nations capital: Nein!  Sie bespitzelt uns, und das war genein.  Spaß haben die Bestellungen aus tanzen Jesus Affen!" 

Many anti-religious groups are up in arms over the proclamations by "The Church" claiming they too will bring war to the capital if they try and round up non-Christians.  Chicago, a major Muslim center has sold out of nitrate,fertilizer, and other common bomb making materials.  They have declared Jihad on the south.

"The Southern United States have the lowest IQ in the country, in one of the dumbest nations in the world, making them really dumb" says Yar Daafi Gawdat Yaseen Zufar Zubair Wasay Pumoor, spokesman for Muslims Against the South and Most of America, based in Chicago, IL.   

Both sides on the issue have released a series of highly oppressive demands on the United States government:

Demands from "The Church":

We the leaders of The Church implore the United States government to introduce the following constitutional inclusions and amendments to prevent military action taken by The Church against the United States government: 

1. Deportation or internment of non-Christians
2. Requirement for all citizens born in the US to announce life-long allegiance to a Christian-based church
3. Requirement for all new immigrants to pledge allegiance to a Christian-based church
4. All removal of sacrilegious artwork, books, and materials from any and all government buildings and households.
5. Immediate death by firing squad if any citizen is found to speak, write, paint, or read anything sacrilegious
6. A 100% Christian-based government
7. The abandonment of the 1st amendment - entirely

Demands from the Muslims Against the South and Most of America


The people of  MASMA implore the United States government to head the following recommendations to avoid large-scale attacks on The Church and supporters of The Church:

1. Explode the south with big bombs
2. Send all Christian swine to Tahiti and take all the boats away with you
3. We are really angry and you know what happens when we get angry
4. Listen to us, for reals this time, or we are going to be very angry

It appears America, once the greatest country on earth, has simply turned into every other religious sector of the planet where wars, threats, and government take-overs are a normal way of life.  As a result, most Northern states have succeeded and become a part of Canada, now seemingly, the center of the free world.  Canadian parliament is very happy that, for once, people around the world will know that Canada is actually a country and not just a made-up word for someone who is passive and nice.