Federal Court makes a Shocking announcement - Anti-Polygamy Laws are Unconstitutional
August 29, 2014
Today the Federal Courts ruled the Anti-Polygamy Laws are unconstitutional in Utah's recent court case. Republicans from around the country are touting 'I told you so' - referring to their constant fear that gay marriage would lead to other types of personal freedom - such as polygamy.
Many outspoken Republicans have come out and said, "Let me guess what's next - dogs." Apparently assuming that dogs are the same as humans.
People from all around the country are outraged by this. We spoke with Louisiana Governor Bobby Jindal and he had this to say, "What people do behind closed doors offends me so I will have none of it. I mean if something offends me I should make it a law so it doesn't happen. Hasn't anyone read the Bible where a bunch of people marry several wives - I mean they don't. Oh shit - they actually do." Jindal whispered to his assistant, "Why are we against polygamy again?" His assistant replied, "Not really sure I think we are just chalking it up in the same column of 'we hate fags so why not polygamy too'?" Jindal then replied to us, "Oh yeah that's right - we like our intolerance to be broad and overarching - so if you have a different way of life we like to make you feel shitty about it and make laws to prevent it."
The popular TV show Sister Wives main character - Kody (Picture Above) is actually upset over the ruling. He had this to say, "I had a pretty good set up where I was only legally married to one of the chicks - the rest were technically just floozies that I could bang when I wanted to. Now I have to be legally married to all of them and if one splits they would take a bunch of my shit!" Kody went on to say, "Probably going to drop the fatties that I was with and stick with the hotter brunette - then just cheat on her like every other marriage in the US."
The federal court ruling is expected to spark law changes in many other states to allow polygamy.