PETA announces new agenda to prevent animal deaths
August 18, 2014
PORTLAND, OREGON - PETA announced this morning a new campaign to stop the most prevalent form of animals being killed: predators killing prey in the wild. In a stunning realization last week, PETA president Ingrid E. Newkirk, discovered some animals actually eat other animals. This new discovery to Ingrid had her scratching her head on the entire PETA movement. She had this to say in a press release this morning, "If other animals are eating animals it kinda makes what we are preaching sound painfully stupid. For the longest time we were under the impression that humans were responsible for all animal deaths. We thought animal claws were an adaptive way for them to till the ground to plant veggies. Now that we have discovered other animals doing the same thing we do we have to do something to stop it. No animal should die by the means of other animals - they should all die of old age or starvation like we want nature to intend."
Ingrid plans to trap all predators, both land and sea, remove their killing devices (claws, teeth, poison pouches, stink, large genitalia, etc.) and then begin cramming vegetables down their throats. She believes over time all predators will begin to evolve these traits of not having any ways of killing animals thus preventing pre mature animal deaths.
PETA intends to enslave children humans from poor countries to build the traps at gunpoint and / or knife point (depending on the speed of the children). Ingrid has announced PETA will start depredatorizing predators as early as this spring depending on how enslaving children pans out for them.