For the first time in US history, "The Church", a coalition of Christian churches around the country, have combined resources and are taking on the United States government. They are hailing it "The Behind Boarders Jihad".
WCNN - Reporter
September 2, 2014
"This is the new Conquest, the new holy path God has chosen for us" says Ed Young, head pastor of Second Baptist Church (Houston, TX) and Spokesman for "The Church". "We felt compelled to do something that we felt was right, in our minds, our souls, and in our quest for God" Joel Osteen of Lakewood Church (Houston, TX) and lead founder of "The Church" added in our interview.
"Counting just our mega-church members, there are over 125,000 voting constituents we intend to use to threaten sitting congressmen into passing laws that benefit us" Says Pastor Andy Stanley of North Point Community Church. He also adds "[If]..you count all of our other chartered churches, we have in excess a half-million people! We anticipate swift and decisive legislation that give us far more penetration into the hearts and minds of the American children and their families."
The Church' is comprised of a segment of the population sick and tired of non-believers being able to live free-lives in America, a country we all know we founded in Christian ideals. We want to see non-Christians forced to make a decision to choose a righteous path or be forced to be deported or confined in work-camps aimed at helping spread the Christian word to every corner of the world. We firmly believe that Christ, our Lord and Savior, IS coming back, and we don't want to be a part of a country controlled by sin. The Church is committed to seeing this holy mission through to completion, and we intend on converting or deporting every non-Christian.
The Church is prepared to face any opposition on any front. We already expecting Muslims to attack with everything they have. We have strategically placed our headquarters in a heavily populated mass of homeless and homeless shelters. When the bombs go off, we not only have the ability to curse the Muslims as 'Homeless Killers' and it will also increase profits 10% by releasing our annoying obligation to feed the poor.
Too many people in the world are seeing that the bible is full of nonsense, and too many are leaving the constraints of fear and death imposed by our ancestors. This is not good for the church and this is not good for our Nation, more importantly, the world. Our tyrannical government has allowed for the teachings and freedoms that promote free thought and self-reliance - a Christian's Kryptonite.
"The Southern United States have the lowest IQ in the country, in one of the dumbest nations in the world, making them really dumb" says Yar Daafi Gawdat Yaseen Zufar Zubair Wasay Pumoor, spokesman for Muslims Against the South and Most of America, based in Chicago, IL.
Demands from "The Church":
We the leaders of The Church implore the United States government to introduce the following constitutional inclusions and amendments to prevent military action taken by The Church against the United States government:
- Deportation or internment of non-Christians
- Requirement for all citizens born in the US to announce life-long allegiance to a Christian-based church
- Requirement for all new immigrants to pledge allegiance to a Christian-based church
- All removal of sacrilegious artwork, books, and materials from any and all government buildings and households.
- Immediate death by firing squad if any citizen is found to speak, write, paint, or read anything sacrilegious
- A 100% Christian-based government
- The abandonment of the 1st amendment - entirely
Demands from the Muslims Against the South and Most of America
The people of MASMA implore the United States government to head the following recommendations to avoid large-scale attacks on The Church and supporters of The Church:
- Explode the south with big bombs
- Send all Christian swine to Tahiti and take all the boats away with you
- We are really angry and you know what happens when we get angry
- Listen to us, for reals this time, or we are going to be very angry
It appears America, once the greatest country on earth, has simply turned into every other religious sector of the planet where wars, threats, and government take-overs are a normal way of life. As a result, most Northern states have succeeded and become a part of Canada, now seemingly, the center of the free world. Canadian parliament is very happy that, for once, people around the world will know that Canada is actually a country and not just a made-up word for someone who is passive and nice.