Texas Bans Vagina Holster for Drug Dealers
Because all the other reporters did too much LSD last night or they're dead
Waco has vibrant history of criminal firsts, and this case is no different. Everyone born after 1901 knows about the church-crazy Branch Davidian Compound that burned after police used tanks and nukes. That was bad and stuff. No one knows if WPD used nukes. We're guessing on that one - good story though!
Last night Ashley Castaneda, 31, was arrested for having a "crap ton" of meth under her seat and a "f*ck ton" of meth in her purse. Her accomplice, 32 year old Gabriel Garcia also had a scale, known to police as a "sell dem drugz plate".
"We be like woah ho! You got some stank up in dis bitch" said one of the arresting officers. The officers then called in a leading crime unit called P.I.G - Peni-gina Investigation Gang.
This P.I.G. unit consists of a transgender police dog and a transgender police man, er, woman - we don't know what to call "it", but the transgender status means the P.I.G. unit can frisk any gender and enter any gender bathroom, legally. It's important to note that Kentucky has deemed the P.I.G. unit unconstitutional because its members are "walking devils" per Kim Davis.
When the P.I.G. unit arrived to frisk the two women they discovered a Smith & Wesson Model 61 Escort .22 caliber semiautomatic pistol inside Castaneda's V A G I N A. Right up in there!
Mexican rights groups are protesting saying the Waco PD profiled Castaneda's vagina because it was a Mexican vagina. They claim that there is a stereotype that all Mexicans have way too many babies therefore their vaginas are gross and used, therefore, only a Mexican vagina could double as a holster.
"Our officers are trained to treat all vaginas equally, regardless of race, religion, or smell." a WPD spokesman said in a press conference. "We feel that this was pure experience that made our officers suspect Castaneda's vagina had a large foreign object in it."
The arresting officer also made a statement: "Ya, yo, so I be all damn guuurl you got a banging booty, and if you let me tap dat shit I might let you roll an shit. She be all like 'no' so then I be like - dis va-j-j be all f*cked up. Dat's when dem P.I.G.s rolled up on our shit."