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Entertainment

Delivered only the way Elliot Spitsmen  can deliver

Caitlyn Jenner Announces new Purse line 'The Jenner Sack'

9/23/2015

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New Jenner Ballbag Purse is all the Rage

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By Ellie Spitsmen

A recent wardrobe malfunction has prompted Caitlyn to launch a new purseline she calls 'Jenner Sack'.  A Jenner Sack is a little minipurse that dangles below short skirts.  It shows their support for the transgender community while being super fashionable.  Jenner is working on all sorts of different styles from diamond encrusted sacks to endangered species sacks.  Jenner is working with the dentist who shot Cecil to make a cute lion fur sack that all the fashionable ladies can dangle out the bottom of their skirts.

"After my saggy old sack flopped out of a short skirt it hit me - I should make a cute little ball bag purse that will be all the rage in Hollywood," Jenner said in an exclusive interview with ET.

Each Jenner sack comes with a little zipper to store any small item from keys to cell phones.  Jenner hopes this will also increase awareness about the difficulties of having a saggy sack while wearing a short skirt.

Stars all around Hollywood can't wait to get their hands on the new Jenner Sacks. 

Jenner is estimating the cost of her new purses to be anywhere from $200 for a plane Jane skin color sack to upwards of $10k for a diamond or gold sack.

Jenner has released a few of her prototypes:
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Jenner Sack 'One Ballers'
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Jenner Sack '24 Carot'
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Jenner Sack 'Roarin' Red'
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Seattle Talk Show Host Isn't Black?

9/9/2015

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By: Elliot "Ellie" Spitsmen
WCNN - Entertainment
SEATTLE, WA - Seattle is a large market for radio and TV.  Seattle contains about 90% of Washington State's population (semi-non-official number).

In this market there is a radio mystery that, until now, went undiscovered.  KIRO Radio on 97.3 has a prominent personality called Tom Tangney.  Tangney has hosted many different hour blocks from the afternoon show, to the early morning show, and is currently on the "Tom and Curley Show" where he co-hosts with John Curley, a loud and boisterous talking head who often has right/center-right opinions that juxtapose Tangney's left/center-left viewpoints.

Everything else I would write about the show is pretty boring to those outside of Seattle, so we'll get to the point.

Tom Tangney is not black.  He is a white guy with a big smile and a balding head.

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Superfan Undergoes Surgery to Look like 'Redskull' from Captain America

2/5/2015

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Venezuelan man undergoes surgery to change appearance to his favorite movie villan 

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VENEZUELA  -  A crazed fan has his nose and forehead surgically altered to look like his favorite move villain 'Redskull'.  The man first underwent ice-pick lobotomy, followed by a nose slicing procedure then inserted portions of his brain removed from the botched lobotomy into his forehead to further extenuate the look of Redskull.  Surprisingly he was not the first person to undergo extensive surgery to look like a villain from a movie. Here are a few others who did the same:
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Pope Benedict (he didn't actually undergo surgery turns out he is the dark emperor from Star Wars)
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Prince
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Russel Brant
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Michael Moore
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Hilary Clinton
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Sony Chair Amy Pascal Goes on Racist Rant at Press Conference

2/5/2015

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Amy Pascal 'Looses it' at Press Conference

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Pascal who was under much scrutiny after the recent Sony hacks for making 'racially insensitive' remarks towards Obama has made matters worse today after screaming at multiple black reporters.

Pascal tried to mend relations with the African American community by reaching out to fellow racist and spokesperson for all blacks Al Sharpton.  Sharpton refused to forgive Pascal of her racist remarks even after Pascal offered Sharpton upwards of $50,000. 

Tensions have been high between Pascal and the African American community and came to a head today when Pascal was confronted by two black reporters.  Once of the black reporters asked Pascal, "Why she was so much like George Bush and hates all Black People" to which Pascal responded, "I am f--ing sick of these accusations! I made one simple joke in a private E Mail and almost lost my job over it.  You people - by in which I mean nappy a-- blacks - make racist jokes all the time and are praised for it.  F--- you and the half dead sh----- horse your monkey a-- rode in on." 

Pascal is sure to loose her job over her latest remarks and Sony has yet to officially make a response to the latest rant.
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Shakira Admits to Using 'Voice Enhancing' Steroids

2/5/2015

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Columbian Singer / Dancer Shakira Tests Positive for Voice Enhancing Steroids

February 05, 2015
By Eliot Spitsmen
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Pop Music singer Shakira has tested positive for voice enhancing steroids.  According to the American Music Academy (AMA), who regularly tests singers for use of the banned substance, Shakira who was randomly tested in early January 2015, just received notice of the failure.

The ramifications of this could result in Shakira having to return her various music awards.  She currently holds 5 AMA awards and depending on what the AMA board decides she may have to give them up.

WCNN Spoke with the president of the AMA's, Eric Nelson, and he informed us that it was the 'weird raspy - almost dude like' voice that Shakira has that tipped them off that she may be using voice enhancing steroids.

Shakira has apologized to her fans and hopes this won't tarnish her image.  She encourages up and coming singers to refrain from using the banned substance and vows to not use it in the future.
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Kid Rock's Birthday Surprise for a Young Man Suffering From Down Syndrome

10/30/2014

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Down Syndrome Patient and Activist Kid Rock Surprises a Kid Suffering from the same Disease on his Birthday

Kid Rock surprises a young man suffering from Down Syndrome for his birthday at a local diner.  94.6% of all Kid Rock Fans suffer from the same disease as the Kid and Daniel seen in the video.  This meet up with the young boy will certainly help to bolster sales of his next rap / country / hip hop / rock / jazz / classical / Indian flute record entitled 'Yaaa! Pizza Party With Food and Potatoes!' set to come out in the summer of 2015.

Kid suffered from a mixture of down and fetal alcohol syndrome growing up and has only recently been able to go out and about without his care taker.  He spent most of his childhood drooling and humping living room furniture.  He credits a massive amount of methamphetamine to snap him out of his learning disability long enough to produce such hard hitting lyrics as 'ba-wit-abah-da-bang-da-band-ditty-ditty'.

Kid proves that no matter what handicap you are born with you can still sell millions of records to the American People.  Daniel plans to contribute on his next album and hopefully start a band of his own in the near future.
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What is your Spirit Animal?

9/26/2014

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Click through the following to find out your true spirit animal!

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Find out your spirit animal!
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Snooki Gives Birth to a Baby Girl

9/26/2014

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Early this Morning Snooki Gave Birth to a Beautiful Baby Girl

PictureSnooki
By Eliot Spitsmen

September 26, 2014

JERSEY SHORE - Early this morning Jersey Shore Star Snooki gave birth to a baby girl named, "B-Jizzy".  She had to give birth outside of a hospital as she has been banned from every hospital in the area for disorderly conduct.  She went to her usual back alley abortion clinic and told her 'doctor' that she didn't want to abort this one.  Her doctor is typically used to aborting 5-10 Snooki babies per month and said, "Okay I can try but I am used to just smashing and chucking - this will be a bit trickier." 

They found a nice dumpster to clean out and carefully placed Snooki inside.  After a few long hours of labor she gave birth to the six pound four ounce little girl.  The doctor instinctually threw the baby but luckily The Situation was there to catch the baby as it flew outside of the dumpster.

The father of the baby is narrowed down to a list of 127 (from the original list of 725).  Snooki is excited she may learn who the father is in the coming months.  With the baby now born they can do DNA tests and see who the father(s) is / are. 
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Doctor Holding "B-Jizzy"
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"B-Jizzy" on a Towel
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"B-Jizzy" in a Tuperware
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Leonardo Offends UN - Words on Climate Change Mean Nothing

9/23/2014

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For those who say appearance doesn't matter - yes it does!

By: Elliot Spitsmen
WCNN - Entertainment

September 23, 2014
PictureBan Ki-Moon's first reaction to Leonardo's face.
SEATTLE - Today was a big day for Leonardo DiCaprio, Actor and Environmentalist (per his Twitter account), as he had the opportunity to speak at the UN Climate 2014 conference.

Major politicians, actors, singers, and everyone in between from around the world were in attendance, but the mood turned away from the climate and onto Leonardo's face quickly.

Ban Ki-Moon was forced to take a picture with DiCaprio, but quickly met with president Obama to discuss Leonardo's face.

One eyewitness said "it looked liked he shaved his, you know 'private area' then glued the hair to face with silly-glue.  It was awful.  Thank god the UN stocks the seat backs with barf bags for when China starts to talk." 
PictureObama apologizing on behalf of DiCaprio.
President Obama issued a swift apology and had the secret service escort Leonardo out of the UN building.  Sources weren't sure if Leonardo was  preparing for a new role, or if he always wears face-pubes.  Leonardo has kept to himself the last few years so there is no one close enough to bribe any juicy details out of.
Before all the drama started, one picture was snapped of Leonardo DiCaprio with Ban Ki-Moon.
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Face-pubes.
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Best TV Series - You may be suprised

9/23/2014

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What TV series do you think is the best in the last 10 years?  You might be surprised with the outcome...

By: Elliot Spitsmen
WCNN - Entertainment

September 23, 2014
SEATTLE - In an official WCNN poll (not affiliated with anything else) we asked our fans to tell us what they thought about TV series and what ones they thought were the best.  We didn't plan this out too much prior to launching the poll, so we didn't think to make categories.

Of the 500 people that participated, there were 95 different shows listed.  The leading shows for the top spot were:

  • True Blood
  • Breaking Bad
  • Dexter
  • Supernatural
  • Hannah Montana


Our fears almost came true once we tallied the votes, but good news!  Hannah Montana was second behind...[Drum Roll]....S U P E R N A T U R A L!!!!!! 

So congratulations Dean and Sam for making an awesome series and beating out everyone else!  Quite the feat considering the HBO/Showtime shows use naked women to compensate for poor writing, and Disney...well they use mind control. 
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WCNN - Fan Favorite - SUPERNATURAL!
So here is to our favorite men on the TV screen: Jensen Ackles, Jared Padalecki, and the fan favorite - Misha Collins!
To celebrate the win to Supernatural, here is a quick pictoral montage for you!  

Season 1:

Season 2:

Season 3:

Season 4:

Season 5:

Season 5:

Season 7:

Season 8:

Season 9:

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Haley Joel Osment 'eats dead people' in his latest film

9/11/2014

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Years after the popular sixth sense film - Haley Joel Osment plays a character that doesn't just see dead people but eats them too!

PictureHaley Joel Osment
By Eliot Spitsmen

September 11, 2014

We all remember Haley Joel Osment in his first and most famous film with Bruce Willis, The Sixth Sense.  Now Osment has returned to the big screen for a long awaited sequel to the famous movie.

In this film Osment plays a grown up Cole Sear who is completely and literally fed up with seeing and interacting with dead people.  The plot entails Cole enduring years of torture dealing with the annoying problems that dead people keep bringing to him.   


Completely sick of dead people bringing him all these problems to take care of - he realizes if he can eat the dead people they instantly go into the afterlife and he no longer has to walk them through all their problems before they leave.

Cole is visited by various dead people and he learns enough information to find out where they are buried and go dig them up.  Then he deep fries the dead and covers them in gallons upon gallons of mayonnaise and then eats the dead bodies.

Osment spent several years injecting grease directly into his veins and gorging at various buffets to plump up for the much anticipated sequel.  The Sixth Sense Sequel entitled, Eat Your Problems Away, is expected to be a big hit at the box office when it is released in the summer of 2015.


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Haley Joel Osment in The Sixth Sense (1999)
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The best Nip-Slips!

8/27/2014

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The best celebrity nip-slips so far! 

Can anyone, boy or girl, really turn down a good 'ol nip-slip!  I think not!  Enjoy the wardrobe failures of today's hottest stars!

1. Sofia Vergara

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2. Liz McClamon

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3. Rihanna

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4. Naomi Campbell

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5. Lady GaGa

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6. Emma Watson

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7. Jennifer Lawrence

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7 Gorgeous Celebs who used to be the ugly kids

8/26/2014

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Quite the look changes for these celebs!

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Megan Fox
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Lucy Lui
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Taylor Swift
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Jackie Chan
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Rashida Jones
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Will Smith
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Miley Cirus
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Tara Reid Stuns for Premiere of Sharknado 2

8/22/2014

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Tara and her new look!

By Eliot Spitsmen - WCNN Entertainment Coorespondent

August 22, 2014
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LOS ANGELES, CA - Tara Reid hits the red carpet skinnier than ever for the premiere of Sharknado 2.  Tara took a brief break from her studies to make the trip to the Red Carpet for her latest film.  As many know Tara is studying for her second doctorate.  Her first doctorate was in medical sciences - specifically cancer research and now she is working to receive an additional doctorate in astrophysics. 

Tara was an exceptionally gifted child - her parents realized she was ahead of the other children almost instantly when she was enrolled in school.  She was always ahead of he classes and was completing college courses early on high school.  Her SAT score was a perfect 1600, allowing her easily to get into Harvard University to begin her first doctorate.  

Currently between her studies and volunteer work she  little time to devote to being an actress.  She only chooses films that represent her overall intelligence and will work towards helping mankind.  We spoke with Tara on the red carpet and she had this to say about the second Sharknado film, "As most know this film is primarily focused on ensuring public awareness for human shark relations as it pertains to the overall ecosystem in the world's oceans."  Part of Tara's volunteer work is studying various ecosystems and working to restore any balance that has been upset through human development. 

Tara often tries to downplay her role in society and her substantial life accomplishments by appearing as a retarded drunk skank but the public is certainly not fooled.

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Tara attempting to fool the public
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Tara not pretending this is a cock
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Tara is totally not a drunk skank
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Lead Singer of Rascal Flatts makes a Shocking Announcement

8/21/2014

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Gary LeVox - lead singer of Rascal Flatts - born without any genitalia

PictureDickless one's in the middle
By Elliot Spitsmen - WCNN Entertainment Reporter

August 21, 2014

NASHVILLE, TN - LeVox shocks country music with his announcement this morning, "Yep you guys guessed it nothing at all down there.  Not even a vagina.  Just flat and full of pubes."  Nashville has reacted taking away all of his previous awards and accomplishments.  The spokesperson for LeVox's Record Company had this to say, "Wow - knew he was a little bitch but this is just wrong.  We are going to remove all of his awards because we here in Nashville don't like his kind too much."  

LeVox went on  to describe his childhood, "My parents had no idea what to do.  At first they were like maybe we should throw him in the dumpster and then they were like, 'he looks like a bitch so maybe it's a girl'.  They decided not to throw me in the dumpster and instead raise me as a boy. I  have regretted them making that decision for a long time and not really sure what I want to do.  Country music won't have me any more so I think I am going to talk to Lady Gaga and see if I can do some songs with her.  I think she had a little dick for a while or something weird so maybe we can be the small cock and no cock duo or something like that."

LeVox intends to sit down with Gaga and other record companies in the Pop industry or any other industry that is more tolerant of people born with no genitalia. 
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Nick Cannon and Mariah Carey to get a Divorce

8/21/2014

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Shocking news - Cannon and Carey living in different houses and a divorce is looming

PictureLook at Mariah's boobs
By Elliot Spitsmen - WCNN Entertainment and Gossip Reporter

August 21, 2014

Nick Cannon, 33 and Mariah Carey, 44 who have been married for over six years are not on good terms.  Carey said to the press, "We are living in different houses right now and I think I am going to file for divorce." She went on to describe Cannon's living habits, "Nick will just shit anywhere in the house.  He doesn't even try to pick it up or clean it.  I am just walking along and all the sudden splat goes my foot in another pile of his shit.  He keeps saying the neighbor dog must have busted in and crapped everywhere but I am just not buying it.  If he doesn't change soon I am going to file for divorce!"

Cannon also did not have good things about Mariah to say, "Oh she says I shit everywhere does she?  She's the one shitting all over the place!  I have caught her.  My friends have caught her.  Would my shit have a bloody tampon next to it?   I'll walk you through my house and I'll show you most of the shit on the floor has nasty rag next to it." 

Nick Cannon's Mother had this to say on the issue, "They are both the sickest couple I have ever met.  They both hide shits all over the house, in the cupboards and everywhere then blame it on each other.  We have taken them to counseling,  video taped both of them doing it and have several interventions but nothing works.  They just keep blaming it on each other.  I hope they split so I can walk through my son's house without stepping in more shit."

Currently they are living in separate houses, both under video surveillance to ensure neither party drops any unexpected loads off to spite the other.   



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People Magazine Names Sexiest Woman Alive - 2014

8/21/2014

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Rebel Wilson Named People Magazine's sexiest women alive - 2014

PictureRebel Wilson
By Elliot Spitsmen - WCNN Entertainment Correspondent

August 21, 2014

LOS ANGELES, CA - People Magazine changed its tune this year and instead of naming a female that was skinny and fit to the nations highest honor they decided to go a different route.  Given the size of the overall nation - People Magazine wanted to capture a woman that looked like more Americans.  The average weight for a female in the US is just over 320 lbs.  Rebel actually hits the average almost right on the head tipping the scales at 318 lbs.

Rebel was completely honored to receive the award and says it will help girls of her size to gain confidence and not look to do any diet or exercise ever.  "Nothing is better than everyone being super fat and dying an early death," Rebel told People Magazine. 

People Magazine and Rebel both hope this trend will pick up and more and more obese women will win more beauty contests and awards just like they are.
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Rebel Dressed up to accept the award
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Rebel getting ready for the event
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Another stunning photo of Rebel accepting the award
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Fat dance?  Is this really better than the skinny kind?

8/18/2014

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The hottest man I've seen moving his toosh around - I'm sold!

By: Elliot " Ellie" Spitsmen
WCNN - Entertainment Corespondent

August 18, 2014

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I was browsing through my copious amounts of fan mail, and I stumbled on some pictures of one of the best dancers I have seen - EVER!!

First, in full disclosure, I'm biased - pink is my favorite color.  Sold right there!

Second - just look how this guy moves and shakes around!  I need to meet him!  

I tried to get an interview with him, and I'm still working on that.  I'll be updating the story once I track him down.  I can't wait to spend time with this guy!

I hope he can show me a few moves ;)
WOWZERS!!!

- Ellie!
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Kanye passes away - two days in intensive care 

8/18/2014

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Kanye passes away after spending two days in intensive care due to an allergic reaction

Kanye West 1977-2014

By: Elliot Spitsmen
WCNN - Entertainment Corespondent

August 18th, 2014
MIAMI -  After spending 48 hours in intensive care, Kanye West passed away this morning at 8 AM EST surrounded by his loved ones. The rapper and self proclaimed genius has touched the lives of millions with his musical talents and will be missed by all.  Kanye was hospitalized after visiting a group of friends in the Bahamas.  West has a severe allergy to shellfish and is hospitalized at least once or twice per year according to his wife, Kim Kardashian.  

Kim released a statement to the press: "I am so deeply saddened by the love of my life passing away and wish I could have been there to keep him from eating the food that ended up taking his life.  He quite often ordered shellfish when we were out and I would have to remind him that he would end up in the hospital again if he ate it.  He would always have a funny line to say when I reminded him like, 'I done love shellfishes and eat thems bunch 'o times.'  Then I would remind him that he went to the hospital every time after eating shellfish and he would have something else clever to say like,'I don't remember that s___.'" 

The funeral is set for next Sunday and will be held at the newly acquired estate of the West family.  Kanye will be missed by his family and people who hate their sanity alike. 

Picture of Kanye West AKA a musical and mental genius
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"Rest in peace our genius, our leader, our captain: Kanye West." - Kim
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Emimem Slated to be the Next WWE Star

8/11/2014

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Slim Shady - a lyrical smack down has turned into a literal one

By: Elliot Spitsmen
WCNN - Entertainment Reporter 

August 11, 2014
PictureSlim Shady signing the deal
Marshal Mathers, aka Slim Shady, aka Eminem has gone from fighting via the mic to fighting via choreographed man-pounding mean, historically only fit for the ones fit enough to lift a bus over their heads!

Slim has signed a 4 year, $20,001.99 deal to make 4 appearances per week.  Slim released a statement to the press where he exclaimed "You know, this is going to be just like, um, my other ventures and forward-thinking opportunities."  When asked why he signed for so long for such little compensation he replied "Well, ha, dat dumb bitch Kim keeps suing me for all I gots, so this money is specifically set aside into a bucket she can't touch."
PictureThe Spiked Death Trio
Concerns have been raised about Slims physical condition (thoughts I too have), but Mathers insists his contract stipulates only his face is to be touched in matches "You know, my body is mine, the little that's left, but my face has been stolen by the public and media.  I want them to see my emotions on my face when I show up with black eyes, busted lips, you know what I mean?" - No slim - I have no idea what you mean.  


Eminem's first matchup is scheduled for the 2015 season against the "Spiked Death Trio" - a match that no speculates as ending well for Mathers.
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Dangers of YOLO

8/11/2014

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Teens and douche bags alike can be heard yelling,"YOLO!" at almost every insignificant event they are taking part in.  A startling trend has begun happening over the past few weeks.  Several people have yelled, "YOLO" and then begun, coughing, choking, vomiting then dying. 

Doctors are puzzled by the situation and think it has a link to the subconscious.  Studies have shown if a person believes strong enough they will die on a certain date the body will actually shut down, killing the said person.  Doctors believe the subconscious brain is so disappointed in the general state of the person using this term, that if said enough the brain will cause the body to go into "self destruct" mode.

Doctors have concluded saying YOLO once or twice is harmless but if said hundreds or thousands of times can make the body go into complete shut down mode.  Doctors have begun starting a campaign to get all politicians to start saying YOLO at each campaign event in bitter revenge to Obamacare slashing their wages.
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The Al Is Back!

8/9/2014

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Weird Al has captivated my ears and dare I say - changed my life?

By: Elliot Spitsmen
WCNN - Entertainment Corespondent

August 9, 2014
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Weird Al is back on the scene with a new album that completes a contract signed in the 80's, and to my surprise it was the best piece of work that has ever passed through my ear holes!

The lyrics draw you in, much like a fly being eaten by one of those nasty-eaty plants!

I was blown away by the depth in musical talent of both Al and the electronic mixing board backing him up. 






I've decided that Weird Al has changed my life - profoundly.  I'm afraid that I may never hear music of this caliber for the rest of my life, and thought both scares me, but brings me comfort knowing I'm listening to arguably the best artist since Beethoven.

Elliot Spitsmen
WCNN
His ability to draw you into a world comparable only Narnia is beyond imaginable and only once has that happened to me: with Kanya West's first album.

I'm speechless at this time and need to continue listening!

- Ellie!
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If You're a Man - OOUCHHHHYYYYY!

8/7/2014

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Ladies - be thankful you have a pretty little nothing hanging in the privates!

This is just painful fella's!
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The Worst Song In The World

8/7/2014

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I don't really think more needs to be said than "David Lee Roth"

A fan of mine sent this to me today and I had to wash my ears out with soap!!  It was so terrible!

No Mr. Roth, NOT one more time - is no time an option!

- Ellie!
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    Elliot "Ellie" Spitsmen

    Eliot Spitsmen joined the WCNN news team in 2012 after completing his decision sciences degree at the all male Humboldt University in Germany.  Needing someone with decisive deciding skills for our opinion blog we pick up Eliot after seeing him win the coveted Capitol Hill skipping, dancing and snapping triathlon.   We knew he had the work ethic to keep up with the large demand here at WCNN.  Eliot also owns a hamster only pet store and spends most of his days selling, trading and smelling the hamsters in his shop.

    Contact Ellie

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