Americans love their fast foods but do we really know what happens inside the body when a Big Mac is consumed?  Science has provided a breakdown from the first 10 minutes up to 4 hours of what is happening inside the body.

First Ten Minutes: You have made your way through the drive thru at this point and ordered your Big Mac, diet soda and super sized fries and you body is now breaking down the 'food' you have just eaten.  Ingesting this 'food' has involved substantial effort.  Lifting the flabby arms of an average American can burn up to 20 calories per bite.  Each fry ingested is actually a net calorie loss which is why most Americans will eat 6-8 meals per day to keep their massive systems operating.  The Big Mac's kangaroo meat is now reacting with the diet pills inside of your stomach.  This reaction causes and increase in grease to come out of the sweat glands.  You body is trying to remove as much of the toxic mix up you have eaten as possible by any means necessary.  The Big Mac will actually go into the 'express lane' of the body - bypassing the chips, diabetes medication, candy, soda and calzones that make up the rest of your stomach.  Your bowels begin to rumble and you race off to a bathroom as you body tries to expel as much of the Big Mac as possible.  Explosive diarrhea is common at this stage.

One Hour After: Your body has removed much of the Big Mac through gland grease and explosive diarrhea and now your body is trying to cope with the remainder of the ingredients.  The buns are made out of a synthetic material similar to that of a sponge.  The sponge bun is now absorbing any accidental vegetable ingestion that came with the Big Mac.  If there happens to be any other natural ingredients in the stomach the sponge is working double time to absorb them and ensure you no longer have any desire to eat anything healthy.  Big Mac's include (3) sponges to ensure all healthy items inside the stomach are thoroughly discarded of.  The sponges have completed most of their work around 1 hour after ingestion.

Two Hours After: Now your starving.  The 'special sauce' included in the Big Mac tricks your body into putting the entire meal into fat storage.  You now need to eat another entire meal to fuel your video game play and / or chip eating (which is also a net calorie loss).  You are most likely to order a pizza or yell at your mom to cook you something at this stage.

Four Hours After: Now you want another Big Mac.  The pizza and your mom's gross sandwich are not doing the trick.  You waddle over to your car and drive back to McDonalds to refuel.  The act of waddling to your car will burn any 'mid-meal' items you have eaten in between Big Macs. 

The scientists leading the efforts of this study were unable to find any test subjects that did not eat a Big Mac every 4 hours.  So testing has been inconclusive on the results past 4 hours, given a new Big Mac is introduced into their systems. 

September 18, 2015

KENT WA - An 11 year old student at Kent Middle School was inspired by Ahmed Mohamed who recently brought a home made clock to school and was quickly given job offers, an outcry of praise and even an invitation from the white house to meet the president.  Shawn Alexander of Kent Middle School was hoping for the same amount of attention for bringing his home made phone to school.  

Shawn was arrested and is currently waiting for social media to come rescue him, give him job offers and hopefully get to meet the president.

Shawn admits his homemade phone was really just an actual AK-47 but assumes this is no different than the bomb replica 'clock' that Ahmed Mohamed brought to school.

Ahmed Mohamed has reached out to Shawn in hopes to meet with him so they can share their inventions.  Ahmed has expressed interest in a possible trade between his clock and Shawn's phone. 

Last week Petra Laszlo, a Hungarian Camerawoman, tripped a father and son entering Hungary as a refugee from Syria.  She was quickly fired from her position.  Trump was quick to act offering her a lucrative position in his campaign as his official advisor and correspondent for all immigration affairs.

Trump intends to send her to the Mexican border with her camera in order to trip as many immigrants coming into this country as possible.  He has advised her to issue as many noogies and indian burns as she can to any children she has tripped.

Petra has graciously accepted the offer and is excited to work for the multi-billionaire. 

Trump is considering the idea of lining the border with a trip line instead of a large fence because he finds it much funnier.  He believes a wall will keep people out better but a hidden line that trips immigrants would be hysterical.  Cameras will be placed and a youtube channel will broadcast all of the trippings so the American people can laugh at immigrants tripping their way into the county on a live feed. 

Trump has credited Petra for the excellent idea and is happy to welcome her to the Trump Presidential Team.

DORITOS HQ - A brand new flavor of chips has been announced by the Dorito Corporation to include all sorts of different color and flavored chips.  Each chip will be a different flavor for a different member of the LGBTQRAFT community. 

Purple will obviously be for the lesbians in the gay community and will taste like tuna. 

Blue will be for the Aliensbian's in the community and have an unknown taste that will spark memories of the space molestation that turned them into Aliensbian's in the first place. 

Green will be for the gay dudes.  It will taste like the vomit that is in most males mouths when they see men making out with men.

Orange will taste like a removed penis for the transgender community. 

Red will be for straight men that don't care if a girl's on her period.  Doritos decided to include straight people as well and it will taste like copper.

Doritos has announced they don't care about the rest of the LGBTQRAFT community and the rest don't get any special chips. 

The LGBTQRAFT community is thrilled by the gesture but has asked Doritos to rethink the term 'faggit chip' and go with something less offensive.

OLYMPIA WA - Native Americans have long been known for their technological advances and superb intellect.  All around Washington State we can see their intellect in the massively long names they call everything.  Old Native American Folklore says that the guy naming everything was actually a sea lion who like to partake in eating tons of hallucinogenic mushrooms. 

According to the same folklore the Natives fought against the sea lions for many years before they were allowed to go out it the sea.  The sea lions were known for their trickery.  It was believed by most natives that they would 'disappear' when they went underwater because the Natives did not yet have a concept of what could be beneath the water.  Some of the Natives would open their eyes underwater and it would burn them.  So they figured it was part of the sea lions magic to hurt their eyes.  The sea lions actually had a much more advanced civilization back then and were in charge of naming most everything around the PNW. 

Several Native American groups around Western Washington have come out in protest weeks after the Mt. McKinely was renamed back to it's original name Mt. Denali.  It appears they have gotten through to Olympia because as of today the mountain will be renamed Mt. Umputopoqualiputumpallupsack. 

We sat down with a group of tribal leaders from the Nisqually tribe and here is what they had to say:

WASHINGTON DC - The Obama Administration announced an uptick in the yearly white privilege checks that are sent out to white males.  He feels the general sediment of white males is anti-government and hopes the additional funding will help offset any anger.

Currently the Federal Government give $2,300.00 per month to each white male depending on their heritage.  If they are 100% white (European excluding Poland) they of course get the entire amount.  If there is any 'brown or yellow' descent in their lineage it of course goes down accordingly.  Polish descent 'white' people of course do not receive any white privilege funding because they are considers 'gross like minorities' by the Federal Government.

White women of course do not get any checks from the Government for being white given they do not belong in the workforce.  If they are in the workforce the Federal Government obviously tells employers to cut their pay by approximately 23% (depending on attitude and bitchiness of said woman).  If an employer does pay a white female full wages they are required to then raise the male wages by 23% to ensure women feel inadequate.

The Administration hopes this olive branch to the white male community will offset any future negative sediment towards the Government. 

When the poor were asked how they will vacate the country most stumbled.  "Well maybe I can ask for a government loan for bus fare to Canada," one indicated.  Others have mentioned hitch-hiking or smoking enough meth to make the run up to Canada.

Canadian citizens are beginning to show concern they may be flooded with poor immigrants looking for free handouts if anyone besides Sanders is elected. 

The poor indicated they had hoped Obama would end the torture of faking job applications to extend unemployment but he has failed on his socialist goals. 

Some of the poor have mentioned they have had to become drug addicts to then 'recover' to qualify for welfare benefits as their unemployment runs out.  They all hope that Sanders is elected and can bring them as much money as they want without having to pretend find jobs and fake drug addictions.

  SEATTLE WA - Native American's are warning of a new tsunami to hit the PNW based on an ancient story that predicted the last tsunami that hit the PNW in the 1700's.

Below is the full context of the story and it seems to be that history is repeating itself amongst the Native Americans which could be predicting another tsunami.


Waters Flow In
By Chief Eagle Talon (written in 1645)
Land full bounty and fish.  Lots to share for everyone.
Everyone get fat.  Get real fat off fish and berries.
People stop caring about looks.  People smelly and fat.
Land of excess turns to land of trash.  People wallow in trash.
Leader give free fish and berries even to the fatties.
Fatties get fatter.  Trash mountain gets higher.
Mother Earth Otter get angry.  Mother Earth Otter slap tail.
Water from Mother Earth Otter smash to land and kill people.
Trash returns to sea.  Mother Earth Otter Eat Trash at Sea.
Mother Earth Otter Happy.

This poem sends chills down the spine of anyone living near or on a reservation in the PNW.  Almost everything in the poem is happening again and it appears Mother Earth Otter may take care of things her way again.  We can only hope there is some warning before any tsunami comes to shore.

KANSAS CITY, MO - The Grand Wizard of the KKK, Joe Walden has announced his group will begin to partner with the BLM movement due to enormous similarities between the two groups.  The KKK has had the reputation of being anti-black over the years but has substantially changed their tune to incorporate all racism regardless of what color the racist's skin is.

Joe Walden has issued the following similarities / differences list to prove BLM has much in common with the KKK in hopes of a partnership.

Similarities:
-The KKK and BLM are made up almost entirely of racist white people.
-Both groups share almost the exact same average IQ level.  BLM average is 98 and the KKK is 97.
-Both groups are the direct cause of murder based on racism.  Although the KKK admits it has been slacking lately in light of the recent BLM police murders.
-Both groups know how to manipulate the media into helping fan the flames of hatred.  The KKK excelled at this during the 1940's and BLM is currently using the media to get cops killed.
-Hatred of policemen is rampant in both groups.
-Joblessness is nearly 100% in both groups.  Both groups blame the president for lack of employment.
Differences:
-There are not as many blacks in the KKK.

Walden hopes the general racism of both groups will unite them against the real enemy which is policemen.

Some have accused Walden of wanting to partner with the BLM movement because the BLM movement has been responsible for completely destroying black communities in Baltimore and throughout the country.  Walden has refused to comment on the allegations but ensures WCNN that his goals are simply to unite all racists regardless of skin color.

LAKEWOOD WA - Verizon Wireless employees have banded together to no longer allow non-English speaking Koreans in their Corporate Store Locations.  This ban will not apply to third party Verizon Wireless stores.  The Verizon Wireless store workers have been harassed on a daily basis by Korean Immigrants trying to get their international calling application to work on their phones.

Several times a day they have to tell the non-English speaking Koreans to 'turn their internet back on' to get their app to work.  The Koreans then get angry with the employees and continue to argue with them about how to make it work.  This can take up to 20 minutes per Korean visiting their store which is costing the Western Washington Verizon territory up to $10k per month throughout the territory in wasted time.  The Verizon workers could be milling around on their phones and staring at walls but instead are forced to deal with very annoying Korean customers.

The Verizon workers complain that many times per day the same Koreans will come back into the shop.  They will explain again to 'turn the internet back on' and they will eventually just shut it back off and return to the store.

Most of their otherwise non-productive day is spent dealing with these Koreans.  Signs are to go up on all Western Washington locations near to Korea Town or any other place in danger of annoing Koreans showing up. 

Verizon has yet to reply to the request by the Korean Immigration Rights leader to allow Koreans back in the stores but for the time being there will be no Koreans allowed in any of their effected corporate locations.