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Taking care of the home-front: WCNN

Bum Uprising in Bend, OR - Many Dead

9/11/2014

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An unexpected uprising in Oregon leaves dozens dead, and everyone asking why

By: Chet Dungweeder
WCNN - Reporter

September 11, 2014
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BEND, OR - Today will not only be remembered for the terrorist attacks of 2001 in Bend, OR, but also the day that the bums launched a surprise revolt in an effort to take over the local government.

At approximately 8:55 AM around 35 homeless people stormed the streets of Bend, OR in an effort to over-through the city government and take control of the city.

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"There was no apparent motive." said Scott Ramsay, a member of Bend City Council.  "We were informed that garbage cans, rotten food, and other street items were being thrown at the building, and that there were around 20-30 angry people outside - all appeared to be homeless."

Local police, fire, and aid were on scene within minutes to control the fast moving mob, but negotiations took a turn for the worst just before noon.  

"We attempted several times to calm the crowd down, but nothing was working.  Many of the homeless were black so a 'no-shoot' order was issued to prevent racial provocation from by standers.  We just wanted the situation to dissolve and everyone to make it out OK." said Jim Porter, Chief of Police.  "After failed attempts to negotiate, we ordered the fire department to hose the mob down and to steer them away from city hall.  Those measures were ineffective.  One officer was hurt after being struck with a rotten loaf of bread attached to several rotten potatoes, for weight, but is expected to make it out OK.  Since the mob committed an assault on one of our officers, we finally decided to take control of the situation and we opened fire with our borrowed M4A4 Abrams tank.  In no more than 10 minutes all the bums were dead and the situation returned to normal."

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WCNN arrived on scene about 3 hours after the incident and the bodies were still scattered along Main St.  When we asked a local resident why they hadn't been picked up yet, they replied "What?  Oh!  Those are dead bums...sheesh - never would have paid attention to them if you didn't point it out - anyway, have a nice day!"

Over 35 people were killed and one police officer injured by 2 PM 9/11/2014.

A formal investigation was started and closed approximately 15 minutes later.  The investigation concluded that a highly organized homeless population banded together with over 10 days of food supplies they ate the night before.  Due to the high percentage of mold, and various poisons on the food, along with high quantities of consumption, the bums generated a human-version of Rabies that provoked a pack-like attach on city hall.

"It's a good thing we killed them off when we had the chance.  There is no telling what might have happened if they started attacking other people and passing the virus around."  said Jim Porter in a final statement to WCNN.  

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