Everyone loves going to weddings in the summer. The fun, atmosphere, family and friends are swell for everyone involved.
Weddings in Catholic Churches have seen what seems to be an alarming trend. Three Catholic weddings in Seattle just this summer have resulted in some form of suicide. One girl took both of her high heels off and jammed them deep into her ears. Her ears bled profusely as she ran up and down the aisle way wondering what she had just done. Hours later she died of blood loss and brain damage. Another dived face first out the stained glass window ripping his juggler open and spewing blood over several other wedding guests trying to stop the fountain of blood gushing out of the mans neck. The other death is too gruesome to list on the Internet (we are a classy bunch here at WCNN and would never expose our readers to a repulsive death).
This alarming trend has many Seattlites worried about the safety of guests attending these weddings. Only six Catholic weddings have taken place in Seattle this summer given the amount of gay buttsex involved with 'typical Seattle weddings' they are not allowed in Catholic Churches.
Based on the facts from this summer - if you plan on attending a Catholic wedding next summer you have a 50% chance of seeing a suicide. This known fact may reduce the number of suicides next year - given the patrons at the wedding will have something to possibly look forward to other than standing and sitting for seventeen hours while listening to what only can be described as an opera student's vocal chords going through menopause.
The city plans to keep a close eye on Catholic weddings next summer, limit them to no more than 10 hours and watch for signs of potential suicide attempts during the weddings.