"I can't, like, even hold my hors d'oeuvre plate"
NEW YORK - The aunt of 12 year old Sean Tarala sued for damages after a brutal attack at the, then, 8 year old Tarala's birthday party.
Jennifer Connell, the aunt, filed suit in a New York court complaining of a bunch of things no one cares about she claims caused her "hardship and pain".
According to WCNN assumptions on what the court documents may have claimed, Connell was brutally hugged when the loving nephew of 8 saw her and gracefully placed himself in her arms. Connell claims, the hug was so brutal that she fell backwards and broke her wrist along with slightly sharting her pants.
"The smell was so terrible that my mind broke. The fact that I sharted made me unaware that I had probably broken my wrist." Connell said in a hasty post-verdict statement.
Connell's lawyers depicted the events in simple-to-understand-to-monkeys drawings to sway the court in their favor:
Jennifer Connell, the aunt, filed suit in a New York court complaining of a bunch of things no one cares about she claims caused her "hardship and pain".
According to WCNN assumptions on what the court documents may have claimed, Connell was brutally hugged when the loving nephew of 8 saw her and gracefully placed himself in her arms. Connell claims, the hug was so brutal that she fell backwards and broke her wrist along with slightly sharting her pants.
"The smell was so terrible that my mind broke. The fact that I sharted made me unaware that I had probably broken my wrist." Connell said in a hasty post-verdict statement.
Connell's lawyers depicted the events in simple-to-understand-to-monkeys drawings to sway the court in their favor:
Drawn account of what happened on "B-Day"
It took the jury only 25 minutes to reach a "Not Guilty" verdict against the youth.
The court ordered Connell mandatory state-funded "Anti-Retard" classes, and Apple agreed to provide Connell with an iShart to prevent this from happening again.
"We want to mitigate the potential for sharting on children going forward, espectally, when we have so many idiots walking our streets ready to sue us."
Connell has already filed suite with Apple saying she should not be able to buy something that is designed to fit up her ass.
After hearing about Apple's donation of their iShart, Connell replied: "I like to keep my ass open and clear of all foreign objects so my head fits up there at any time."
The court ordered Connell mandatory state-funded "Anti-Retard" classes, and Apple agreed to provide Connell with an iShart to prevent this from happening again.
"We want to mitigate the potential for sharting on children going forward, espectally, when we have so many idiots walking our streets ready to sue us."
Connell has already filed suite with Apple saying she should not be able to buy something that is designed to fit up her ass.
After hearing about Apple's donation of their iShart, Connell replied: "I like to keep my ass open and clear of all foreign objects so my head fits up there at any time."
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