The history of the selfie...the study of the selfie...the conclusion that 90% of people are between "Slightly Confused" and "Full Mental Retardation"
WCNN - Lifestyle and Opinion Correspondent
September 4, 2014
As cameras on phones became a prime selling point and phones became cheaper, younger and younger users were starting to get phones with cameras on them along with the previous users. Cameras popped up everywhere it seemed. Then came the forward facing camera...
As anyone who has done a Google search knows, it seems the only pictures one can find of people are ones they take in the mirror or selfies on forward facing cameras. Entire social networks were created as a result of the selfie phenomenon such as Snapchat and Selfiecentral.
Selfies themselves have been around a long time, the first one taken by Robert Cornelius in 1839. They fell out of favor until the early 2000's, and in 2013 the once slang term 'selfie' was added as official word to Websters Online Dictionary.
In a study conducted by Little Pete Research Facility and Free Clinic headed by renowned researcher and psychiatrist Dr. Dick Fatterpaker, a table was released with the findings. Here is an abbreviated version of the study produced for the media:
We have found that two out of three patients with Body Dysmorphic Disorder have a compulsion to repeatedly take and post selfies to websites - generally social media - such as Facebook and Google +. This comes from the need to glamorize themselves based on their own concerns of outward appearance. Simply put, these people have issues with how they look, so they continue to post pictures of themselves. We also found a high correlation to selfies and narcissism where the participant had no signs of insecurity with their body - in fact the opposite - they think they are so beautiful that they truly feel everyone should look at them. These people are, subsequently, the ugliest people that no one really wants to see.
Here is an abbreviated version of the real report:
After a multi-national 6 year long study of over 1 million participants, we have determined that those who take selfies fall into one of the following categories:
1. Completely Normal - 10% of people: These people tend to take no selfies on average, with a rare exception of no more than 3 selfies per year. Our studies indicate that in nearly 100% of the "Completely Normal" class of people, any selfies taken each year are only done to make fun of other people's selfies or to directly insult someone generally found in the "Slightly Retarded" or "Fully Retarded" class.
2. Slightly Confused - 5% of people: This person takes 1-2 selfies per week on average, but consistently takes around 8 selfies per month. This person appears to be confused on the level of care people may or may not have in them or what they do, so they only post enough to fulfill their own desire to be liked, much less looked at.
3. Confused - Fully - 10% of people: This Person tends to take around 5-7 selfies per week with an average of approximately 28 selfies per month. This person tends to be entirely confused with their place in the social hierarchy and tends to have many friends on social media, but little interaction on their chosen social media sites. This leads us to the conclusion that this person has no real friends and spends all their time gaining social media friends that no not of them nor care about anything this person is doing. These people tend to be similar as they too only care about their friend counts, and thus the cycle spirals.
4. Slightly Retarded - 30% of people: This classification is aimed at those who have a fair amount of real and social media friends yet take 2-4 selfies for every 4 hours spent doing things with real people to perpetuate their own social media popularity under the guise that they themselves are popular and are not only active, but liked - thus the endless pictures of themselves at various venues and with various people. We have deemed this class "Slightly Retarded" because they are smart and pleasant enough to have real friends, but are retarded enough to spend the time handing out with those real friends taking pictures of themselves to prove that they were in fact hanging out with real friends.
5. Mostly Retarded - 35% of people: The people deemed as "Mostly Retarded" are the ones normal social media users (between classifications "Completely Normal" and "Slightly Retarded") find unbearably annoying due to the multitude of selfies posted on their profiles each day. Those found to be in the "Mostly Retarded" classification are those who take a selfie when doing any activity during a normal day and post an associated status with the picture. Examples of this are selfies taken at grocery stores with a statement like "Buying me some milk! Mooo" or a selfie taken in the car with a statement such as "I'm driving! Yay!". To be classified as "Mostly Retarded" one must take an average daily selfie count around 20, have an average of 700 friends or followers on social media, and must attend at least 2 gatherings with real friends taking an average of 14 selfies per real-friend hour. Those listed as "Mostly Retarded" also tend to take more "group selfies" (a selfie including at least 2 people), and generally post 3-5 sequential group selfies with the same person. Research suggests that the cause of several sequential group selfies is because the other person/people are trying to get away from the "Mostly Retarded" person.
6. Full Mental Retardation - 10% of people: This classification is almost exclusively reserved for public figures, celebrities, politicians, and semi-famous internet stars. Those found in this classification are those who already exhibit retarded tendencies or have a naturally low IQ, yet still have the ability to draw average peoples attention. These people tend to be common household names such as Miley Cyrus, President Obama, Mitt Romney, and any major actor or singer. The reason behind the classification "Full Mental Retardation" is due to the fact that these people are on the national stage - most having to fight off paparazzi on a regular basis, and are fully aware that they are targets for hacking and visual extortion, yet continue to take risky selfies, nude selfies, selfies with prostitutes, and post the pictures to the web, or store these pictures in the cloud. A large majority of these celebrities were child stars, or aimed at public office since early school years. Because most national leaders and trend setters are deemed "Full Mental Retardation" we have follow up research and studies to re-evaluate the people classified between "Completely Normal" and "Mostly Retarded". A classification amendment will most likely be in order since it makes no sense that national leaders and popular figures can be "Full Mental Retardation" and have people of classes, apparently smarter, vote them in or continue to support their art or craft. This realization somewhat undermines this entire study and subsequent conclusions